Joke 1:
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain, “Please doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”
Man: “You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”
Doctor: “No, you don’t understand! I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”
Man: “Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.”‘
Doctor (in anger): “No, no, you idiot! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting.”
Man (still screaming in pain): “On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.”
Doctor (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): “Which one?”
Man (innocently): “How am I to know? All bees look the same to me.”
Joke 2:
Extra strong mint and Mars bar are having a drink in the pub.
Extra strong mint says to Mars Bar, “I’m the hardest mint in town me! No-one’s harder than me!’
With that, the bar doors swing open and in walks a Halls mint. Mars bar turns around and extra strong mint is quivering under the table.
Mars bar says, “Hang on a minute, I thought you were the hardest mint in town!”
Extra strong mint says, “I might be hard, but he’s menthal!’
Words of Wisdom:
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Never buy a car you can’t push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
